27, Single, and Not Ready to Mingle

I didn’t really want to write about this topic because, honestly, it feels cliché. But the reality is—it’s part of my daily life. And part of my stress. Dating.

Almost every year, one of my New Year's resolutions is to date and find a boyfriend. But not this year. This year, my focus is on being productive and working on myself (maybe this year it might actually work because I’m not looking for it). That doesn’t mean I don’t stress about it. My dream has always been to be a young mom, just like my mom.

She got married at 18 and had me at 21, so our relationship is more like friends—minus the occasional moment when she has to scold me for something. My friends always tell me they admire how close we are. We spend a lot of time together, but not in a clingy way—she’s kind of my best friend. I can talk to her about anything (well, almost anything; some things are better left unsaid). We basically grew up together, and I’ve always wanted that same kind of closeness with my future kids.

But lately, I've started questioning if that dream is even realistic today (besides the fact that I’m almost closer to my 30), bringing me to the main topic, not finding good prospects to date—is dating dead? Or am I just attracting the “I don’t want to commit, just sex” kind of guys?

I’ve heard all the excuses:

·      "It’s what you think you deserve." (I don’t think so)

·      "It’s the vibe you give off." (Am I, really?)

·      “Is not the time yet.” (Ok maybe)

·      "You don’t meet enough guys."

·      Etcetera, etcetera…

That last one might be true, unfortunately. But at this point in my life, I honestly don’t have the energy to go around the city searching for my other half—or the mental capacity to handle someone love-bombing me just for a few weeks before disappearing.

So, that leaves me wondering: will I ever find someone? Do I need to put myself out there more? But wherever I go I find gay guys, taken guys, or playboys. That leaves me with... I really need to hit up every club in Shanghai, kissing a hundred guys a night until one actually wants to date me? Because yeah… this is the approach one of my best friend’s friends is taking… and honestly, sounds like a herpes kind of nightmare.

According to something my mom read (yes, I’m bringing her into this again), men find partners faster because they date multiple people at the same time, giving themselves more options. Meanwhile, women—at least me and my friends—date one by one, meaning we waste time planning weddings and naming our future kids instead of, you know, doing proper "market research."

Why was dating so much easier when I was 18? I remember crying in a club bathroom over an ex guy… while being on a date with another guy. Like, what?! Why can’t I do that anymore?

Now, it takes me 600 business days to even like someone, and it’s no longer based on looks. I need to actually like their personality. And don’t even ask me about crushes—I don’t think I’ve had one in years. Am I turning asexual?! I don’t know, I like every guy in K-dramas and have like 30 biases from K-pop.

According to video research (TikTok, et al.), the brain fully develops at 25. Until that moment, we were supposedly driven purely by emotions. After that, we became rational beings. So, all the stupid things you did till then were not fully your fault. Thank God right.

But wait, does that even make sense? What about all the great philosophers of the past? Back then, people who lived to 40 were considered ancient. Are you telling me they only had 15 years of reliable thinking? Looking back at my own experience, I didn’t make the greatest choices when I was younger, but I wasn’t running around acting purely on impulse. Well… maybe just in love matters.

Realizing this forced me to rethink how I view past relationships and mistakes—maybe my struggles weren't because my brain wasn’t fully developed, but because I was still maturing emotionally and learning about myself.

That got me wondering, and I had a realization: the phrase we always tell our grandparents—“Don’t believe everything you see on Facebook.” Am I turning into my grandma but with… TikTok?! Ehm… yes. Because, in fact (and thanks to BBC Science Focus), there is no real evidence that the brain is fully developed at 25. The thing is, for these studies, they usually only test people up to 25 years old. Also, our brain keeps developing even after that. (I mean, it makes sense, doesn’t it? Our body keeps changing as we age—so does the brain.) So there is no actual evidence that we wake up one day as rational adults just because we hit 25.

Ultimately, it's not just about brain development but maturity. So… I can’t blame my brain for the mistakes me, myself, and I made anymore…

Well, I wouldn’t call them mistakes, because everything I’ve done and every decision I’ve made has led me to the person I am today (27, no money, no prospects, and frightened, like Charlotte Lucas) and where I am today (China). But honestly, I am happy with the person I’m becoming, and I just wish the same for whoever is reading this. You can change your future, but you can never change your past. So just embrace it—learn from what you wouldn’t want to repeat, and do more of what you love. And never, ever let someone else decide who you are or what you want, most people don't have the best intentions towards us.

Thinking about all this made me realize that dating itself isn't the only issue—it's also about how we meet and interact with potential partners. And that brings me to another major factor: social media.

The Role of Social Media in Modern Dating

One topic I always discuss with my friends is how social media and dating apps are killing genuine connection and mutual respect. When I can’t even see the face of the guy I’m trying to flirt with, it doesn’t feel like a real interaction—it’s just surface-level. There’s no vulnerability, no risk, nothing to lose. Before, if you wanted to talk to someone, you had to call their house—and sometimes their parents would answer first. You had to go through them before even getting a chance to speak to your crush. So, if you made that call, it meant you really wanted to talk to them.

There are countless articles discussing how social media creates unrealistic expectations, and I completely agree. Living in China, I’ve noticed that when I scroll through XiaoHongShu (China’s version of Pinterest), I see picture-perfect couples at restaurants, museums, and parks… but when I see them in real life at those same places, most of them aren’t even talking to each other. What?! They take their photos, then immediately go back to scrolling on their phones. It’s like they’re each other’s personal photographers rather than actual partners.

Of course, you shouldn’t judge a relationship based on appearances—only the people in it truly know their reality. Maybe they deeply love each other, maybe not. We’ll never know. But what I do know is my own preference (most of the time), and for me, that kind of relationship is a definite no thanks. I don’t want a “perfect” relationship just for Instagram—I want a real one, one that actually feels perfect for me every day.

And by perfect, I don’t mean some fairy-tale—because let’s be honest, Disney lied to us all our lives. I mean a relationship built on respect, commitment, faithfulness, loyalty, honesty, communication, and real love—not the fleeting butterflies kind, but the kind where you choose to love your partner every single day.

Are those things considered high expectations nowadays?

The Power of Being Single

The silver lining to all this messy dating culture? As women, we no longer need to rush into marriage just to secure stability. And if we do get married, we have the ability to walk away if our partner turns out to be an immature boy (or girl—your choice). So sorry for you Charlotte Lucas, but times have changed. Our problem today isn’t being trapped in a marriage with no way out—it’s figuring out who we want to spend our Saturday night with.

This is something my friends and I remind each other of constantly, and it’s important to keep in mind. By staying single, the three of us have been able to study abroad, travel, meet new people, set higher standards by dating more (and better), focus on our careers, and spend more quality time with family. Honestly, I can’t imagine my life married back in my home country, missing out on the chance to live in a city as incredible as Shanghai. If I had been married, I probably wouldn’t have had the opportunity to come here at all, or chose not to.

And, fun fact—I’ve heard that if you make it to 27 single, you’ve basically avoided a divorce. So… cheers to us singles!!!